Hi.
I need to remember the why, the when , the how and the what could be next.
Others keep finding what Im looking for and allow me to watch, to participate on the fringe without being a member involved.
I can see that you all see the people I meet, I understand you believe that since i find new friends every day that this must mean im finding the faith I need.
I see it too. I find friends easily, I find smiles each moment, I carry an idea of fun and humanness with me and I know every town I reach i find people you know nothing of, people I have never mentioned smiles I have shared but remain private in addition to the people you have all heard of.
You know about stars like Zed and Anne, Huugo and Livius, Vystas and Catherine, you dont know abut an old man on a push bike outside a wooden church in Lithuania and the smile he gave me, the moment we shared in the sun eating an apple the way we communicated with laughter and the bright spot this day brought to the week.
If the story that follows doesnt suit your idea of what should happen then please dont tell me. Im thinking the future, my future, is about something quite different to expectations.
I was standing in a small town 20km from Bratislava, Slovakia, Friday the 10th of July, scrap yard sorting metal to the left, business in industry to the right, I was looking for a campsite on the edge of Vienna in Austria and had a Forest Gump moment.
That moment when Forest has been running for so long and stops turns thinks for a moment a thought no one else will ever know or understand, and begins the run home.
For me it was 11.57 am CET. At 8.30 am GMT and in 1117 miles I was stopped outside a house I knew I would find a friend, a smile, a suprise and a little of what i needed.
The night before was unusual and had ended in one of the coolest nightclubs ive ever seen. Girls funking around to Enimem, short skirts and smiles, Absinth, sprite and malabu, 4 basements each lower than the last, barmen became friends, girls became interested in the funk in a kind of Mighty Boosch moment, and Skippy and I roled out a story of his skateboarding championships across europe with me as the skateboard team manager and his crew being the men indeed.
The day began similar to others, Sebastian and David were moving on back to Switzerland via Budapest, we had a great night before, one I found usual by now. One of dancing, night clubs, girls and shots, handstands and body roles, funky moments and quiet corners. They had followed me from Vilnius to Ginger Monkey to Bratislava and the day was spent on my own as they caught the coach on to the next town. we had ideas that we might meet maybe in the future if Facebook allows!
I walked a day around Bratislava with no aims, no goals and no idea. I wandered from ice cream parlour to bar to cafe and realised with each movement that i was lonely. I forced myself through the day as I have others on occasion, in the belief that tomorrow will bring new friends and new people, great ideas, incredible fun and always with one aspect that makes it so very worthwhile…no expectations to fulfil.
At home Im caught by expectation of behaviour, to go out and perform to others expectations of who I am, not to dissapoint to be, to fulfill, to provide and perform. Its very tiring, especially if the you that you really want to be on that day doesnt fit the mould of expectation. Im only really me when Im alone and up to now I dont believe Ive been accepted as me so ive adapted behaviour to suit. Ive spent the last few years trying very hard to fulfill expectations because it meant so very much for me to make the moment work and not let people down, not to be seen to be weak, not to ruin something that could be sensational…great if only for my inadequacies, only to crushed by the realisation that ive failed. I always had a hope that if I tried hard enough then maybe I would get back the affirmation that i need, the love, the touch, a moment of sensitivity.
I wish I could say otherwise.
In the hostel I went to a pc to see if my insurance had been sorted out, Carole Nash really dont understand what Green Cards are or what they mean and as I sat I heard a shout from the other side of the common room, ‘Jo, dude, fuckin cool man!’ It was Skippy.
Short story is we ran around town, taking late night photos in the dark, drinking beer and Jeigermeister bombs until Skippy said he had never done a pub crawl, so off we went and started, it was still early, about 130am so there was time yet. Skippy said he had never talked about such cool off the wall shit and loved it, we spoke of life, acceptance, people we had met and girls, we spoke to girls and Skippy did his Australian best to pull for both of us! Both of us had climbed the Sadlle in Slovakia, both had seen Dutchy wheeze over a short run and both had realised that sometimes the best people to spend an evening with are the most unlikey contenders. Skippy said in his real life he would not choose me or Dutchy to be his friends but he was incredibly gald to have spent time with us because the fun was so much different and unexpected to the fun he had at home. THats the point of travelling I think, huh? We ended in a cool night club 4 stories underground, flled by graffetti, smashed, dancing, telling stories of skateboards and championships that dont exist!
7am and to bed. 730 am and the Thai dorm mates wake up and my god they love plastic carrier bags! they make soooooooooo much noise!
8am and I pack
9am Im ready.
10am and I say goodbye to Skippy.
1157am and Im sitting surrounded by Slovakian scrapyard, going back and forth over what to do.
On the one hand I want to continue, I want to follow the the dreams you guys want and are imagining.
On another, Ive already failed because Russia scared the shit out of me.
I dont deny it. Why should I? SOme of you would have coped, some of you would have made this aspect of the trip into a succesfull story. It would be an adventure. Some of you never leave home and the comfort of your sofa but think you would manage it and brag about how succesful you would have been.
There is a difference.
For me, I feel a failure but I also realise I rely on the people at home to help me. Even the sofa lovers have helped in one way or another. Its only through you guys that tomoorow ever happens for me.
So what if I come home. ahhhh. bed. fish and chips…cups of tea…
I have the benfit of choice.
So I have an idea, 21 hours later and many miles, Im sitting with a friend in Nottingham feeling more relaxed than I have in a very long while. And getting a cup of tea and a hug! thats it. That life.
Rolled up into a hug.
Id ridden through the night on Red Bull till my body vibrated, watched the sunset and missed the sunrise because of the ferry sleep, Id not had a map and hap to guess the way home from Bratislava…could you do this? Id sent my maps home thinking that the only way forward is forward…Its easy really….
Bratislava, Brno, Prague… follow the sun, head west until you see Metz and Paris then north into St Quentin and Calias.
Enough for the moment, but yes Im home, yes Im staying put, for ten days anyway, I need to put bits on the bike from leaving Slovakia its lost a subframe bolt, a chain link thingy, the helmet is too large now, the visor is knackered and then…
Morrocco sounds nice, August to November
Kitesurfing over the winter might be a laugh, november to december
Whisky coast could be fun in january
Friends agree to meet me in india in February for 6 weeks, some for 2 weeks others for 8.
Hey! Its my choice, its my money, my life.
Dont judge me or begin a game of upmanship, come and join me for a part or a whole… I promise its much more fun to join than it is to judge.
Tell me you gonna join and Ill be excited, tell me you want to see where it ends, tell me its fun and lets go…with or without you, I have plans. I cant stand still, I cant be the man in the corner.
Have I told you about the man in the dinghy rowing to France…thats next year, maybe June
Try it.
Join me.
Dont sit, dont think, dont wish or imagine, dont worry and concern, dont make excuses, dont consider the financial loss when you cant measure the emotional gain.
Join me.
I leave 24th july for Morocco
I leave 7th November for Kitesurfing
I leave 8th Jan for the Whisky Coast
I leave 5th Feb for India and Nepal
Are you still reading…………
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