Furious frustration begets misery, but leads to a worthwhile awakening
With huge disappointment comes a lesson.
Its interesting that some recognition of a change in my life is becoming so self evident through daily tasks.
I’m incredibly disappointed by the aluminium welders.
In truth, I’m furious. Rather than show my despicable anger I have been well trained to remain calm. Its not good for the soul, to keep in such anger is awful, to pain yourself into a state where you try to be reasonable means that inevitably the pulsing thoughts stay with you for longer and parade around your mind to drive you mad inside the otherwise calm moments of your life. The time you should be spending in a state of calm is replaced by a singularity of thought about what you should of said, how you could have been, how you might of been - the man you wished you were.
In place of - the culmination of years means i know that if my fury is released Ill regret not the physical state, Ive never been that kind of physical, ever; but the replay in my mind and the concern over whether someones feeling less than they might because of the thoughts and spoken word Ive conjured to be upon them. Otherwise known as a wimp. Security within the post event justification of being kind.
Perhaps.
So, after a day of fury that the welders have accomplished so little and purported to have completed so much, I stirred my own broth of anger and drowned my sorrows after noticing that I had displaced my emotions upon my brother and his partner!
They took on my emotions. I released them without thought of consequence, telling what I considered to be little more than a tale of my day and disappointment, only to discover they reenacted between them the dissappointment I had been feeling, between each other!
We ended with a smile and a laugh, although I do wonder what also happened behind closed doors. They are strong and friendly, firm friends as much as lovers so I have faith they have few arguments.
I however have decided, after the fury and displeasure, that…
well, i had decided that they have left me with no alternative, time is so late I cannot find more welders, not at least during my normal working day, so I felt bound to continue with them and play a suffering but polite fool.
Then anger took hold to withdraw the goods to tell them the facts of my displeasure in terribly argumentative terms and pull away scornful at their inadequacies.
Now. Now I feel more adult. Ive thought they know nothing of my feelings and explosions are not as helpful as quiet conversations.
Tomorrow Im going to try quiet discrete conversation to prove not only that I am the master of my destiny but also to show that people will respond to other forms of persuasion than anger.
They feel compassion and companionship, which is a relatively helpful way forward as long as it does not interfere with either ego or macho chest thumping.
Ill report another day how successful divisive and more emotional tactics might be. After all I will be testing faith, not myself.
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